Over the last few weeks I have been working a lot with students that have not been following the life style commitment that they all sign to study and live here. It has been frustrating to see them make dumb choices and have to walk through the consequences of their actions with them. It has been very draining.
The hardest part is that two of these students are my staff. They are the leaders I have worked with and trained. The ones I trusted and hoped in. Having them break the lifestyle commitment not only saddens me because they broke what they said they would uphold, it hurts to have my trust and hope miss-used. At times their failure makes me question my leadership of them. Could I have been there more for them? Encouraged more? Kept them more accountable? But no, their choices are their own. Then again so are mine.
It is not my place to choose for them on what they do, but it is my choice to some extent what happens from here and what some of the consequences for them are. What do I choose? Do I keep extending grace and hoping that we can work through forgiveness and keep them as leaders hoping they will change if I just give them the right amount of chances and motivation? If so what does that say to others about breaking the rules and "getting away with it"? What does it say about our commitment to these values that drive the rules and lifestyle statement that I stand for and they were supposed to? What does it say to the people on those floors that are under my staff's leadership?
What if we throw them out? What does that say about our forgiveness and what we are constantly saying about how we want to bring reconciliation and restore people to the community? How do I restore them and remove them at the same time?
I wounder if God feels this way with us? God has high hopes and trust in us. What have we done with it? What about the lifestyle comitment that people are supposed to live by? Does it hurt God the same way when we as Christains, God's staff here and now, throw it to the wind?
Does God just forgive and let it go? Are there consequences to our choices? I think of David and the mess he made with his choices. God forgave him but still there were consequences for his actions. David also asked for forgiveness. Now the prophet Nathan still had to confront David and David did not come forward on his own, but when confronted he asked for forgiveness and changed. I guess asking students to come to me when they screw up is a big ask if even King David, the man after Gods own heart, did not come without being confronted.
So forgiveness and grace with consequences is posible, but it is much more draining when I am the only party seeking that and they are angry with me, this place and that they got caught- not that they did it. It is so much harder when they are confronted and there is not repentence, no asking for forgiveness, and no heart for what I stand for. Just anger.
How does God put up with most of us?
I have three weeks now to rest up and avoid students. Three weeks to build up strength to go face them again. Three weeks of not having to be the one confronting, and holding people accountable.
It is times like this it is harder to see why I do what I do.
Here is to the next three weeks! To forgiveness and grace, which I hope I can both find and give. Here's to God, sorry for when I fail as a leader. And here is to hope, that I will find good leaders and we can walk the walk that is set out before us. Hope that next semester is a fresh start and a brighter day.
